3 books on quitting porn: express version!
Wishing there was something like a "Cliff’s Notes" or "Spark Notes" version of books about quitting porn? Wish no further! I read 3 popular books and pulled out the best for you.
Just keep scrolling to begin reading! (No annoying ads, I promise.)
Who am I? My name is Stephen McConnell, and I'm a life coach set on helping people quit porn.
Which 3 books did I choose?
Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction by Paula Hall
The EasyPeasy Way to Quit Porn by Hackauthor
Closing the Window: Steps to living porn free by Tim Chester
I chose these books specifically because of the diversity in their approach.
The first is more academic & professional, the next vibes with "been there, done that", and the last is a theological Christian perspective, respectively.
I then compared them to see what they agree on and what's unique to each.
Curious about what I found? Let's get going...
No time to read right now? Click below for offline reading.
Book #1 - “Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction” by Paula Hall
Who She Is
Hall is a therapist in the UK who has worked for years helping people with sex and porn addiction.
Her Intended Audience
She intends to educate other licensed therapists not trained in porn and sex addiction as well as those suffering with the addictions themselves and the people who care about them.
Her Purpose
She makes a plug for her group therapy program.
Her Style
At times academic or philosophical, but with lots of anecdotal evidence and aphorisms mixed in.
What's Useful (And Unique)
Hall avoids frivolous debate about whether pornography and sex addictions are actually addictions. She notes that regardless of whether or not dependency on porn or sex is as strong as a drug addiction, it is clearly problematic in her clients' lives or they wouldn't be coming to her.
She explains common "cognitive distortions" or erroneous thought patterns that people have that keep them stuck; examples are:
Minimizing - "just this once"
Rationalizing - "It's necessary because…"
Entitlement - "I had a really hard day"
Blame - "if only my partner…"
She explains that addictions are used as a coping mechanism for negative emotions rather addressing the underlying problem(s), i.e., until the underlying problem is addressed, the addiction will continue.
"The key to permanent addiction recovery is to develop healthy strategies to manage these emotions rather than turning to a toxic behaviour that frequently creates the very emotions that the person is striving to avoid."
Hall repeatedly emphasizes the value of connecting with others and explains how shame and isolation get in the way of that.
She notices that the people who have the most success usually have a vision for the future that propels them forward.
She takes the time to define "positive sexuality" as sex that is:
in line with personal values
respectful of self and others
pleasurable
mutually fulfilling
not shameful
confidence and esteem building
safe from risk of physical or psychological harm
She advises that understanding and seeking positive experiences with sex avoids repeating negative past experiences.
What's Not Useful
To start with, I find Hall’s suggested “C.H.O.I.C.E.” method for recovery hard to follow. Each letter in the acronym is given a chapter between 13 to 30 pages long in the Kindle version. While there are some gems in there, the popular wisdom is less helpful, e.g., learn how to express your feelings, be assertive about what you need, avoid your triggers, etc.
But my biggest hesitation with her approach is that her explanation for why clients fail to quit porn usually involves some unresolved childhood trauma.
Porn users who believe this may feel better because it moves some of the shame and blame off their chest for their current struggle.
While that’s a tempting road to go down, unfortunately, I do not believe this is an adequate explanation for most clients’ sexual behavior, no matter how much they want to blame their childhood for their present actions.
This false diagnosis may lead to an endless cycle of therapy sessions digging up the dirty details of the past with literally nothing to show for it. Well, maybe one thing to show for it: your therapist has job security for years to come.
Book #2 - “The EasyPeasy Way to Quit Porn” by Hackauthor
Who He Is
“Hackauthor” is someone who struggled extensively with porn. Note that the original author of this rewritten “hackbook” was Allen Carr of “Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Smoking.”
His Intended Audience
Anyone who is even considering quitting porn.
His Purpose
To convince past and present users to both quit and stay away from porn by showing them that it has no value. He also aims to save them time and unnecessary struggle using inferior methods.
His Style
Informal. Draws extensively on personal experience and confidently asserts his opinions as the only real way out of porn—basically insinuating that the reader is either stupid or pathetically brainwashed if they don’t agree. Thanks, bro, needed to hear that today!
What’s Useful (And Unique)
Hackauthor claims the approach is both permanent and uses zero willpower, i.e., it’s “easy peasy” if readers just follow the book in the exact order that it’s written.
From what I can tell online, at least some readers do have success with it
Note that by reading this summary you are breaking his rules—Oh, no! The horror! ;)
He points out that readers have “NOTHING TO LOSE!” by trying it; it’s true that the book is free and trying something new is better than doing nothing at all.
He introduces some key ideas:
You didn’t choose to become an addict
That we wouldn’t want our children doing it is evidence that it’s not serving us
Instead of thinking about what porn is costing you, think about “What it’s doing for you?”
“It’s not that the disadvantages of being a user outweigh the advantages, it’s that there are zero advantages to looking at pornography. Most users find it necessary to rationalize why they use porn, but the reasons they come up with are all fallacies and illusions.”
Users think that porn relaxes and satisfies them, but they mistake relief from craving as a relaxation; porn first creates the problem and then relieves it
“The porn trap is similar to wearing tight shoes just to obtain the pleasure of taking them off.”
He asserts that addicts aren’t happy whether they are watching it or not
If watching porn was a truly genuine need, then it would cause you discomfort to abstain while you were at work, at a family gathering, at church, on a plane, etc., but it doesn’t
Actual withdrawal symptoms aren’t nearly as bad as people believe they are; it’s just an empty feeling
The worst part of withdrawal is just fear and worry over when you will look at porn again, and not being able to cope without it
The “willpower” method fails because deep down users still believe they are missing out on something desirable
He clearly lays out his method:
Finish reading the book
Find 3 weeks where you can go completely without porn, preferably under circumstances that you usually find success in avoiding it
Have your last session and notice the “unfulfilled expectations, any bodily pain, withdrawal effects, peevishness and melancholy” —in other words, notice that you don’t enjoy it
After 3 weeks the withdrawal period should be over
Mentally it is really only two steps:
1. Make the decision that you are never going to watch porn again
2. Don’t mope about it—rejoice!
Especially toward the end, the book reads with the feel of someone walking you through it, that’s there with you because he’s done it before.
What’s Not Useful
Hackauthor loves to argue the same concepts over and over.
The gist of the entire book could be rewritten as:
“If you think porn is helping you in life, you’re wrong. Quitting is only hard if you make it hard. Just do it and be glad that you did.”
Instead of saying that, he makes the readers wait until the end of his purported reverse-brainwashing spiel (some 20 chapters) to tell them his incredibly simple method.
Further, it’s odd how severely he condemns porn use and the industry, including that we need to protect our kids and teens from it, but later implies that real sex with almost any willing partner is fair game—because… at least it’s real in his mind?
Ready for Book #3?
Get my review of “Closing the Window” by the Christian author Tim Chester, plus learn which points all 3 books agree on by clicking below!